Trust in God even though I don’t understand - Han February 13, 2007
Posted by Han in : Testimony , trackbackIn 1999, a series of things happen to me. Indeed it was a very tough and difficult year. Question upon question went through my mind. God, where are you? Are you still there? When are these things going to end? What did I do wrong? God, you don’t love me anymore?
At times, doubts surfaced in my heart! I have also forgotten about the many blessings and answered prayer of God. Sounds very much like the Israelites in the wilderness, they complain and complain. They have forgotten about the miracles that God performed in Egypt.
I can still remember vividly, it was Friday 1st Jan 1999. That night, I told myself I must go back to my home in Johor Bahru. Actually I am working in Singapore. I got my year end bonus and I would like to pass some money to my dad. Being Asian, probably this is one of the important values that we uphold – to give our parents some money as a token of appreciation.
Dad was happy that I gave him some money. On the following morning (2nd Jan), my mum came back from Canada. I told my mum to cook something for dad. Dad has not been feeling good. He felt very uncomfortable in his heart whenever he takes oily stuff. So he has been eating steam fish and rice – a bit plain! That morning, my Dad took some time to wash his motorbike before he went out to work.
As usual I went to church on Saturday. I was serving in the Youth Fellowship. At about 3pm, one of the brothers came looking for me in the church. He said something happened back at home, quickly go back. I rushed back only to find out that dad has passed away. What!!! Dad has passed away! Didn’t I passed some money to him yesterday. Spoke to him this morning. He was still washing his motorbike. And…dad has passed away! How come? What happen? I was totally lost…I don’t know what to do! My mind was totally blank even though I tried very hard to search for the answer. I really couldn’t understand why such things happen to my dad.
Later we found out that his motorbike broke down on the road side. He tried to push the motorbike to a nearby workshop. While pushing, there he had heart attack! He didn’t pass away immediately. Someone saw him and carried him to a nearby shop to rest. But an hour later he passed away. It was so fast. You don’t even have time to talk to him.
Dad has been well all along, only got some discomfort in his heart. Prior to his death, he even went for a medical check up. The doctor said that his heart is fine, only got some symptom of diabetic, and got to abstain from sugar and sweet stuff.
My dad has been a wonderful dad. To me he is the best of all. Life has been hard on him. His parents have left him since he was very young, at 4. He was brought up by his eldest brother. He works very hard in order to raise up the children. Now that we have grown up, we wanted to give him a better life but….He has gone!
Unfortunately dad has not accepted Jesus Christ. We have shared the gospel to him. I personally have brought him to a gospel meeting as well. But he still refused to accept Jesus. Well, I can understand why dad didn’t want to accept Jesus. He cannot comprehend with the reality and goodness of God. The big question is if there is a God, why is he still suffering? However, I still hope that he cried to Jesus at the critical moment.
I reached the association where we conducted the funeral. My dad’s body was placed on the bench. The coffin has not arrived yet. You can still feel the warm of his body. At that moment, it is very terrible. It’s so difficult to describe, that feeling of losing someone precious is so terrible! Never did I experience this before. I cannot accept the fact that this morning I saw him, I talked to him and now he is lying on the bench in front of me. I cannot comprehend this!!! God, please answer me!
Throughout the 4 days of funeral service, I have been thinking of my dad. When I am back at home, practically every thing reminds me of my dad, his motorbike, shirts, toothbrush, shaver and many more. Whenever I think of him, tears just roll down.
4 days were fast, the entire funeral was over. Everything need to be resumed back, we have to carry on with life. Mum was very sad, advised her to be with my sister for a break. My brother has gone back to Kuala Lumpur for studies. Now that everything has over, I had this strange feeling. Dad is the main provider at home. Now that he is gone, I felt that load of responsibility is upon me. I got to take care of the family especially my mum. Got to support my brother, he is studying in the university. It was like carrying a big stone on my shoulder. I don’t really know whether I can handle it or not but there’s no choice, it’s a responsibility.
Until now, I don’t really know how I pulled through but I can only tell you it’s by the grace of God. In all my doubts, fears and uncertainties, God remained faithful and true to me. He did not depart from me. I can still remember just before my dad passed away, I received a word from God, He said “no matter what happen, I am still in control”.
True enough, one of the greatest fear in my life is how we should conduct the funeral since he is not a believer: the Christian way or the traditional Chinese ritual. If we conduct it the Christian way, what will our unbelieving relative say? If we conduct it in the traditional Chinese ritual then we are not able to take the joss stick and will definitely be labelled as unfillial. But thanks be to God, mum agreed to conduct it in Christian way. Some of our relatives were very unhappy but God sent his angel who was my Godmother to persuade them. She is like putting off all the angry fire.
At this point of time, instead of asking “WHY”, I have learned to trust in God even though I don’t understand. Trust in the Lord, just trust in Him. He will guide me and lead me. It’s not easy because the natural mind simply could not understand and demands an answer but I still need to trust in Him. Believe me when we trust in God, we will experience rest, peace and joy. He will give us strength to move forward, Amen.
Comments»
indeed God is in control. That is the word that sounded vividly in my mind since that day… God has shown His strength through you all these years over my life.
very touching…but it’s joss stick not joystick
Hello Passerby, thanks for the spelling correction. I’ve changed it already. May God bless you with a great and wondeful year.
I didn’t realise that your father passed away then, belated condolence for you and your family.
Yes, Han, I totally agree with you, so many times things simply happen, and there’s just no explanation to it… But even Job, having gone through such deep suffering and finally see God face to face, his questions were not answered! The simple “bumper sticker” answer is that ‘God is in control, even if hope seem faint’; but truly, think deeper into it, isn’t it so? We have questions after questions for Him, “why this…”, “why that…” but in the end, what really matters isn’t why, but who - who is in control? Who can I place my security on… None other than Him - our One and Only True God, the Creater of ALL. Isn’t that the best hope anyone could find?