Vows we may have taken but how many are able to adhered to it as the word says, “till death do we part”? Staying together was never an easy task especially when couples becomes busy with kids, work, school, repaying loans and bills and many other things so much so that the spiritual connection which was meant to be created when they first got married went missing. To obtain marriage happiness, it is extremely vital that couple should learn to live and grow together spiritually.

In Matthew 19:15, Jesus described marriage on a very spiritual level; A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together. You and your spouse used to live your lives differently as an individual but are now united as one when married. Jesus’ words, “Let no one separate” expresses our desire for God’s presence to be in our relationship. We may desire a spiritual connection as a couple, but sadly it is usually the most neglected area of the relationship for various reasons.

Obviously, to build a relationship it will require time and in addition, open communication, humility, grace and amongst all a desire by both partners to grow together spiritually. Even then, there will always be hindrances and difficulties in which couple will have to overcome together in order to achieve spiritual intimacy. What exactly is holding us back as a couple? It will be good if we could identify the things, which are considered hindrances to building spiritual intimacy in our marriage.

Busyness

Busyness is known to be one of the greatest walls that blocks spiritual intimacy. Many assume that once married their spiritual life will automatically be connected and developed. However and especially for working couples, finding time just to be together is already a challenge. Couples may have different time schedules in working. Husbands may work late in the office and at times even had to bring home paper works to be completed while wives would probably need to pick up their child after work, prepare meals on the table, tidy the house and by the time both wanted to spend time together, they will be too tired and exhausted.

What more if there are more kids to take care, a demanding ministry position in church where time and cares have to be provided to church members as well. Both husband and wife will be drained out, distracted and would hence start making excuses for each other. Next, they will have to admit that in their busyness of life, they will completely miss the effort of building any spiritual intimacy among themselves. It is therefore essential that couples and especially working couples put in effort or at times even the need to sacrifice so as to find time for each other. Plan a vacation or go for church retreat and any other activities that will enable both partners to focus on each other and nothing else. Couples will need to know what their priorities are in life and subsequently make spending time together part of their everyday routine.

Anger

The truth is, if we are honest and sincere about our relationship with our spouse, we may have to face with anger and resentments many times. It’s never easy for both individuals to live together especially if both have unique habits that were cultivated since their younger days. Without good communication and a forgiving heart, bad habits as simple as not putting the shoes back into the shoe racks or even snoring while asleep may irk the spouse who may have not gotten used to it. If one does not learn to open up and start talking about it but instead chose to keep it in their heart - anger, fury, annoyance and resentments will eventually grow.

Such ill feelings if left unattended would bring hindrances to any couples that wish to come together spiritually. The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26 “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”. Learn to be slow in anger. For those who are quick to anger, learn how to first deal with the conflict amicably and if still unable to find a solution, hold hands and learn to pray together and to commit the problems to God. Managing your anger will help create growth in spiritual intimacy.

Appreciation

Can you remember when was the last time you said the most beautiful words, wrote wonderful cards or praised so much about your spouse? If your answer was, “these were things of the past while we were still young and dating each other”, you may have a problem. What happens after marriage may turn out to be a total opposite. Husband begin to complain a lot about their wife for not doing enough at home such as bad cooking, not making the beds, not taking care of the kids and the list goes on. Her complaint on the other hand against him would be that he did not appreciate her enough but instead enjoyed going out with his friends more.

This explains why the wife would hate so much on staying alone at home doing housework and taking care of the kids all by herself. Husbands are to be reminded that when they married their partner, he did not hire her as a housekeeper. The marriage contract was to live with her not as a man and a housekeeper but as a man with his wife and supposing to become as one, sacred partners for life. Hence, husbands being the head of the house though tired from work should always remember to help out their partner at home rather then expect things to be taken care of at home. Simple words of appreciation such as thanking the partner for preparing a nice meal on the table will help strengthen spiritual intimacy.

Wives on the other hand are to be reminded that there was nothing in the marriage contract about her having a maid. Hence, wife being a helper to their husband should work hard to have the house kept decently even though one may dislike doing housework. Learning how to appreciate one another, besides creating spiritual intimacy serves also as one of the most important ingredient that is required for making an everlasting happy marriage.

Lack of Forgiveness

When your spouse has done something against you and you are unable to forgive him or her, you are blocking spiritual intimacy. Just as how God had forgiven our sins, we will need to forgive others for the wrongs that they had done against us and what more if the person involves our own spouse. Forgiveness is necessary so as to enable the right relationship to grow not just with your spouse but also with God.

No matter who had done wrong, the irony is that the right will always have to deal with the problem of forgiving in order for the relationship to grow. It will not be an easy task to forgive especially if one had betrayed the basic trust and hurt deeply the heart of their spouse such as by having an illicit affair. Thus, for those with complex issues, seeking out counselors such as Pastors or qualified marriage counselors will be required in order to work thorough all the issues. To do this, one will still have to take the first step that is to find forgiveness in their heart.

Lack of Respect

There are many hidden secrets, which may be unveiled only when we start living together with our partners after marriage. Indeed, marriage will bring out the best in partners but not forgetting, the worst as well. Perhaps your spouse may have some major issues such as addictions that you were unaware of and it may be very difficult for one to respect those negative behaviors. Pornographic addiction, impulsive spending, gambling addiction are just some of them.

Generally, we must admit that humans are not made perfect. As the bible says in Romans 3:23 “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. Knowing that no one is perfect, we need to overlook a lot if we want to still grow spiritually. I am not saying that we will need to close “one eye” and accept the condition as it is but rather it will require transparency and integrity by both partners. In other words, you can still respect people without approving their sin. As the Word says in Acts 15:11, by grace of the Lord Jesus we were saved. Since by grace God had saved us even though we had sinned, we in turn should give back grace to our spouse. In John 8: 4-11, the Pharisees had brought a woman who had been caught in adultery. According to the Mosaic laws, she should be stoned.

They had wanted to trap Jesus into saying something they could use against him but instead Jesus used his finger and wrote. When they continued to ask him, he stood up and said, “ All right stone her but let those who had never sinned throw the first stones”. Slowly, the people left until Jesus was left alone with the woman. He eventually asks the woman to go and sin no more. Here, Jesus had demonstrated tremendous respect for the woman even though she had been caught committing a serious sin. He knew very much what the law was at that time but yet chose not to condemn and shame her sinful act publicly. His respect, gentleness and mercy represent an ideal model for us to follow as we interact with our spouse regardless of the sin committed. Showing a lack of respect and disregard to our spouse for certain matters will only dilute spiritual intimacy.

Lack of Prayer

Often, marriage breakups brought about by continuous arguments and misunderstanding could be attributed to the absence of prayer. Psalms 127:1 “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain”. Besides the marriage vow we exchange during our wedding day, we know that it never would be complete without prayers of blessings. It is important for us to note that marriages ware consecrated in prayer. There is no guarantee that when the two becomes one, life would be without arguments and disagreements. However, for a husband and wife who pray together, it means lifting up their problems above and away from the center of quarrels and arguments but into God’s territory of peace and understanding.

Couples need to practice praying together and all the more when children come, it will be family prayer together. Prayer changes people and brings protection into a family. It teaches how a family should live together and keeps them free from making mistakes, which destroys marriages. Slowly and progressively, prayer would build and mold positive characters both in parents and in children. Praying together creates spiritual intimacy and prevents couples from committing sins in their lives when God helps builds the house together.

Spiritual Warfare

Know that we had always been fighting a battle against the power of darkness may it be before or after marriage. As the whole idea of becoming one was to build a strong spiritual relationship, it is thus not surprising that Satan would go all out to oppose spiritual growth in couples. Satan knows that it will lose its power and might on earth when couple walks together spiritually and creates spiritual family when children come. As such, Satan will go all out to destroy a happy marriage brought about by spiritual intimacy.

In other words, spiritual couples will always be a priority target for Satan. All of us will need God’s power when dealing with marital challenges. To win this battle against Satan, the strategy can be found in James 4:7-8 “ Submit yourselves….to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you” Do not take any spiritual battle in our marriage too lightly. Do not expect that our marriage will grow spiritually naturally or by chance every day knowing that Satan will never allow it. Be prepared to pay a price to fight out the battle against the power of darkness so as to build spiritual intimacy in our marriage!

Lastly, for those who are going through difficult times in your marriage presently, do remember that spiritual intimacy must exist before we could build a happy marriage. Same as knowing that for us to keep our body healthy we’ll need to exercise regularly and watch our diet. Question is what’s stopping us from doing it? We do hope that this article would help to a certain extend or at least in identifying the root cause for not able to build spiritual intimacy and more importantly to learn to approach all issues together with God as the center of our relationship. God bless.

Article by: Reuson Seet

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